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Why are straight dudes wearing “tights” to the gym these days?

If you clock into your local Virgin Active or Planet Fitness on a regular basis, hands up if you’ve seen a dramatic shift in the type of gym apparel guys are sporting? I personally couldn’t care less if you rocked up at the gym in a washed out pair of sweat pants or neon polly shorts from the 90’s. I do think we need to draw the line in the sand when it comes to guys running around in spandex with their beans and frankfurter out on display, right?

What is the benefit of wearing a full length speedo to gym when you are doing dumb-bell bicep curls?

Michael Phelps is allowed to wear a speedo to swim in. Guys who cycle are allowed to wear “tights” because clocking a 100km ride in a pair of shorts and standard jocks will grind your manhood away into a pile of dust.

Robin Hood can get away with tights, and so can a professional ballet dancer I guess.

But that is it.

No real man gets up at 05H00 in the morning looking to do a few bench presses at his local gym, and decides he needs to roll on his tights to make his workout a more rewarding experience.

Here is the real reason these guys get all dressed up like Olympic athletes in the morning – they are so in love with themselves and especially the way they look, that they want everyone to see the work they have been putting in.

“My legs are like Roman pillars and I need the world to know I’ve got quads of steel. If you ask nicely I will let you touch them.”

It must give them a huge thrill when they put their foot on the car accelerator and a calf muscle the size of a 2 litre bottle pops out sideways. You can almost picture the stupid grin, can’t you?

It’s pure narcissism and it’s laughable.

The only guys winning out of this ludicrous behaviour are the sports apparel companies manufacturing this crap.

Can you imagine the marketing guy who first pitched this to an executive at his company.

“Frank, I have a billion Dollar idea. Let’s start manufacturing tights for guys who go to the gym.”

“But we do swim and cycle wear already? Who the hell would wear tights to gym if they aren’t swimming or cycling?”

Then a smart marketer realised that some of the dudes who go to gym don’t do it for the reason most of us do (so we can simply fit into a T shirt and walk up a flight of stairs without coughing up a lung). They realized a sub-section of guys who go to gym are so in love with themselves and the way they look, they would gym naked if they could get away with it.

You can’t gym naked, but a step up is a work out in a pair of tights.

Gentleman, leave your tights at home. Nobody cares what you look like besides you and your missus. Take the R2,000 you spent on that catsuit, you claim has been tested in space, and treat your chick to a weekend away. That’s the perfect place to get poolside with a cocktail and show off the legs.

If you go to gym, let me know what you think. If you wear tights to gym, please tell us what we’re missing.

Unless of course I’ve hit the nail on the head, in which case, just tell us it’s because you love yourself. We’re cool with that.

SLEB

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