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Looking to make some changes in 2019? I’ve made myself one promise – spot the assholes next year and avoid them at all costs. I reckon if I get that right, I’m well on the way to a better 2019.

Here are 6 warning signs you are dealing with a proper asshole. And to make things easier, I have decided to create categories for them.

The Life Suckers

Remember the 1979 sci-fi classic, Alien? Remember that scene when the alien leaches onto that guy’s face like an octopus hopped up on speed? That, my friends, is the modus operandi of the ‘life sucker’. These assholes will find any reason to latch onto you and literally suck every ounce of happiness out of you, before scuttling off on their tentacles to prey on their next unsuspecting victim. There is always a sob story with these dudes, a whole lot of drama, exaggeration and plenty of excuses as to why things aren’t going right in their life.

They’ve got 99 problems and a chick is always one of them. Out of all the asshole types, these guys are my absolute pits! They don’t have many friends, because most guys generally wouldn’t tolerate insipid, spineless creatures like these, but the workplace is the one environment they thrive in (because they know you can’t get away). Want a word of advice? Don’t entertain the bullshit and make yourself as scarce as hen’s teeth. Failing to do that and you could find yourself becoming the exact thing you despise and before you know it you will be the one scurrying down the work corridor leaving a trail of mucus behind you.

The Time Wasters

It’s only when you get older (and a little wiser) that you realise how precious time is. It’s the one bloody thing we can never get back, so I’ve always wondered what type of guy would think it’s “OK” to waste other people’s time? You know the type, don’t you? The guy who misses his tee-off time. The oke who says he will be there at 11H00 and rocks up at 13H00. The fool who can’t organise his schedule well enough in advance to make it on time for a couple of after work beers.

I can almost tolerate these guys, but the inconsiderate assholes I can’t tolerate are the ones who have no appreciation for the time it takes to do your work? These idiots are the ones who will ask you to spend a week on a presentation and then never end up using it. These are the idiots who will ask you to spend a day on a proposal, but actually never had the money to spend on it in the first place. If only we could round up all these knobheads and drive them off a cliff with all the other vermin. A good rule of thumb – somebody wastes your time once, fair enough, it’s on them. You allow them to waste your time again and it’s on you.

The Non-Payers

As a kid I remember being in the local café after school playing arcade games and drinking Slush Puppie (the good old days) and there was always that one kid who used to walk out of the café with pockets full of stuff he never paid for. Remember that kid? When that type of kid grows up he will generally continue with the same type of behaviour – the type of asshole who sits on invoices for 90 days when they are due in 30 days.

The type of asshole who will get you to do a whole bunch of work at short notice and think it’s Ok to not get you paid up. They say shrewd business guys sit on invoices and make others sweat. Bullshit! Thieves take something and don’t pay for it. I don’t see a difference! A leopard doesn’t change its spots, so if some loser is going to sit on one invoice for 3 months, bet your bottom dollar it’s going to be a recurring theme. Do you need that type of crap this year?

The Know It All

These types of assholes are enough to make me feel physically ill. Luckily enough, they are easy enough to spot. All you need to do is look for the loudest guy in the room who has an opinion on, and clearly thinks he is an expert on everything. In life, these guys generally don’t get a call for a Saturday golf game, but in the workplace they are harder to avoid. If you find yourself incarcerated with one of these fools, the only thing you can do is let them talk their way to their own demise.

It’s tough to watch, it’s even tougher to listen to and it’s the toughest thing to swallow, but inevitable they will end up talking so much shit that the guy making the decisions at the office will give them some menial work to do and you’ll find less and less of their input in the stuff that matters. Given enough rope, these assholes simply hang themselves. For your own sanity, spot it, run from it and for God’s sake man, don’t feed them alcohol.

The Kiss Ass

Or better known as the ‘brown-noser’. Remember the teacher’s pet at school? The guy who used to rat you out for throwing wet toilet paper up onto the classroom roof. That guy grows up to become the “kiss ass”. Again, in a social environment they get weeded out quickly, but in the work environment these assholes rise up the ranks, trampling on anyone to get ahead. They can talk the talk, move and shake, but seldom can be counted on to get anything done.

They are the first ones in the office and the last ones to leave (only if the boss is still in his office), they will almost always take credit for work they didn’t do and when called upon to provide opinions they have their hand up first (their other hand will be down the bosses pants). The Kiss Ass generally latches onto another ‘kiss ass’ so you are likely to find them cruising around the office like steam locomotives, huffing and puffing. Nobody likes a kiss-ass besides a kiss ass, so you are safe, provided of course you are a kiss ass and you just don’t know it. Ask a good mate, he will tell you the honest truth.

The Tight Ass

Behind the ‘Life Sucker’, ‘The Tight Ass’ is second in line when it comes to the biggest assholes (at least in my mind). This asshole simply doesn’t pay for a damn thing. Go out for a round of beers, and this cat is the one heading out to take a phone call and never return. He is the type of guy who will meet you for a weekly coffee and never ever pick up the bill. The type of guy to pitch at a cricket game knowing very well he owes you R300 for the tickets you bought online, but is happy to walk off at the end of the day without opening his wallet. Do they have the biggest bank balances and drive the snazziest cars? You better believe it. Do their kids go to private schools and do they take Alpine ski holidays? Of course!

Two ways to handle this. Never invite these shmucks out again, or next time call them out. But do it in a public place so the cringe factor is beyond embarrassing.

I’m having an asshole free 2019. If you feel the same, tell me what steps you are taking to rid yourself of this lot.

SLEB

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